So it has been bloody long since I've updated this really. I think Lois has given up on the blog... and for awhile I did as well as everything I was writing was getting me down... the whole point of this was to keep my spirits up and keep looking forward but instead it kept me tied to the past. Thus the silence.
Which, in hindsight, has been a good thing. Because instead of sitting down writing about things I wish I was doing, or stuff I wish I was still feeling, I went out and had those experiences. And because I took some action, I've found myself in this place, here and now, that I didn't think I would ever arrive at.
Let's just say that the past four months or so have thought me a lot of things about myself. And that boy problems, at the moment, are the least of my worries. Oh, the whole boy thing does still occupy me, I haven't changed THAT much, but there's so much other shit going on in my life at the moment that boys are kinda the last thing on my mind.
That's kinda it for now... will update more as soon as I can. It's a promise I'm making to myself.
Clarke x
Wednesday 18 June 2008
Tuesday 11 March 2008
Apologies
Clark apologises deeply over the lack of postings in recent weeks. This is due to three things
a) Clarke had to hit a deadline, which, she is glad to say, she finally managed to hit
b) Clarke got some very bad news about her finances and so has spent most of her week burying her head in the sand and not communicating her fears to anyone
c) Clarke hasn't been very well and has been going to bed early, thus not giving her time to post.
It's now lunchtime at work, but lunch is nearly ending so this post has to end to.
Normal services will resume soon. I promise.
In the meantime... something to look at... I love these pics
http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/gallery/2008
Clarke x
ps - I cannot apologise for Louise... She is busy at the moment but I am sure she will return to the fold.
a) Clarke had to hit a deadline, which, she is glad to say, she finally managed to hit
b) Clarke got some very bad news about her finances and so has spent most of her week burying her head in the sand and not communicating her fears to anyone
c) Clarke hasn't been very well and has been going to bed early, thus not giving her time to post.
It's now lunchtime at work, but lunch is nearly ending so this post has to end to.
Normal services will resume soon. I promise.
In the meantime... something to look at... I love these pics
http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/gallery/2008
Clarke x
ps - I cannot apologise for Louise... She is busy at the moment but I am sure she will return to the fold.
Sunday 2 March 2008
Slow Sunday
We went to Soho last Friday night, a club called Punk on Soho St. I love it there, the atmosphere is pretty cool, the DJs play some decent tunes and the crowd are laid-back and up for a laugh.
I kissed two boys and got asked for my phone number by one. I gave it to him and have heard from him since. Who knows what that has in store.
Also... I'm going on a date on Wednesday! Feels a bit weird going on a date and there is still a chance that I may cancel but... well, if I go, I shall update on this.
Today has been a funny old day. I got woken up by my aunt, who convinced me that it was a good idea for her to come round my house and take me back to hers for some old-fashioned family time. Seeing as I wasn't doing anything better, it was pretty easy to say yes.
So she turns up in front of my house... with a small shovel and fork and a pot. Why? Because, at some point during conversation, I mentioned that we have snowdrops in my garden. Which is why I found myself, at 9.30 this morning, in my PJs, digging up snowdrops, which, an hour later, I was replanting in her back garden, getting my knees muddy and soil under my nails while yelping in a girlish manner everytime I saw a worm.
Sfunny but I feel really relaxed now. I can smell lunch, can hear her cooking me my favourite food and in a bit I will go downstairs and be smothered a bit by her affection.
Families. What do you do without them eh?
Clarke x
I kissed two boys and got asked for my phone number by one. I gave it to him and have heard from him since. Who knows what that has in store.
Also... I'm going on a date on Wednesday! Feels a bit weird going on a date and there is still a chance that I may cancel but... well, if I go, I shall update on this.
Today has been a funny old day. I got woken up by my aunt, who convinced me that it was a good idea for her to come round my house and take me back to hers for some old-fashioned family time. Seeing as I wasn't doing anything better, it was pretty easy to say yes.
So she turns up in front of my house... with a small shovel and fork and a pot. Why? Because, at some point during conversation, I mentioned that we have snowdrops in my garden. Which is why I found myself, at 9.30 this morning, in my PJs, digging up snowdrops, which, an hour later, I was replanting in her back garden, getting my knees muddy and soil under my nails while yelping in a girlish manner everytime I saw a worm.
Sfunny but I feel really relaxed now. I can smell lunch, can hear her cooking me my favourite food and in a bit I will go downstairs and be smothered a bit by her affection.
Families. What do you do without them eh?
Clarke x
Wednesday 27 February 2008
I've started writing a song...
but currently it has no music. And no title.
In an attempt to be cooler in your eyes
I told you lies
I told you lies
When really it was clear for all to see
You were wrong for me
Wrong for me
Strutting along to a zeitgist only you could see
Intimidating me
Intimidating me
You are
all hot air and treble
all hot air and treble
all hot air
and trouble
no bass line to hook on to
no groove to anchor against
no bass line to hook on to
no groove to anchor against
in an attempt to be cooler in your eyes
i told you lies
i told you lies
You are
all hot air and treble
all hot air and treble
all hot air
and trouble
So today has been pretty boring. Woke up this morning feeling a bit down in the dumps as another weekend of nothingness looms. Wish I could shake this feeling off. Wish I could get over him as quickly as he has gotten over me.
Clarke x
So today has been pretty boring. Woke up this morning feeling a bit down in the dumps as another weekend of nothingness looms. Wish I could shake this feeling off. Wish I could get over him as quickly as he has gotten over me.
Clarke x
Tuesday 26 February 2008
Can you be friends once you’ve been to bed? (Part II)
Okay, so maybe now I am being forced to eat my words of yesterday. Sitting here typing this the day after I met him, I am seriously reconsidering my previous positive posting... I guess you can be friends if you were friends to start off with. But not if the glue that held your relationship together was purely sexual.
Last night, it was clear to me as soon as I saw him, that we were still attracted to each other. From the moment he set eyes on me to the point we said goodbye, there was electricity in the air.
We went to a pub near Liverpool St. Where we had some wine, caught up on four weeks worth of news and tried to out-do each other in the whole "I'm leading a more exciting life without you" stakes. We were mean to each other in a way we never were. But there was also honesty there. Honesty that was severely lacking in the relationship.
Dinner was brought up. Against my better judgement I said yes. Sitting there next to him in the restaurant, he fed me sausage and mash (no double entendre here), he fed me the way he used to when he was my boyfriend. Everything was the same, and yet, it was different. Because, I was different.
The guy sitting next to me last night wasn't the guy I thought I was in love with. He wasn't even close. Sometimes I wonder just how much of him I imagined and how much of him was real. Did I only see what I wanted to see? Is love, or in this case, lust, truly blind?
He tried to sleep with me. Tried to coax me into doing the things I would have done without a moment's hesitation when we were together. I could feel myself weakening (I am a flawed being; don't judge me) but when push came to shove (entendre intended in this case)... I walked away. Leaving him just outside the escalators at Liverpool St Station, I kissed him goodbye. He asked if he could see me again.
Should I see him again? Is this prolonging the death of us? Or a lame attempt to resuscitate something which was born dead? And so, doesn't really have the right to live. In my imagination or anywhere else.
So many questions. I fear last night has only made my thinking even more befuddled.
Only time can tell if we can be friends. Maybe the chemistry will never disappear. Or maybe, one day it will.
I cried all the way home on the train. Because the scales have finally fallen from my eyes. The boy has clay feet.
Clarke x
Last night, it was clear to me as soon as I saw him, that we were still attracted to each other. From the moment he set eyes on me to the point we said goodbye, there was electricity in the air.
We went to a pub near Liverpool St. Where we had some wine, caught up on four weeks worth of news and tried to out-do each other in the whole "I'm leading a more exciting life without you" stakes. We were mean to each other in a way we never were. But there was also honesty there. Honesty that was severely lacking in the relationship.
Dinner was brought up. Against my better judgement I said yes. Sitting there next to him in the restaurant, he fed me sausage and mash (no double entendre here), he fed me the way he used to when he was my boyfriend. Everything was the same, and yet, it was different. Because, I was different.
The guy sitting next to me last night wasn't the guy I thought I was in love with. He wasn't even close. Sometimes I wonder just how much of him I imagined and how much of him was real. Did I only see what I wanted to see? Is love, or in this case, lust, truly blind?
He tried to sleep with me. Tried to coax me into doing the things I would have done without a moment's hesitation when we were together. I could feel myself weakening (I am a flawed being; don't judge me) but when push came to shove (entendre intended in this case)... I walked away. Leaving him just outside the escalators at Liverpool St Station, I kissed him goodbye. He asked if he could see me again.
Should I see him again? Is this prolonging the death of us? Or a lame attempt to resuscitate something which was born dead? And so, doesn't really have the right to live. In my imagination or anywhere else.
So many questions. I fear last night has only made my thinking even more befuddled.
Only time can tell if we can be friends. Maybe the chemistry will never disappear. Or maybe, one day it will.
I cried all the way home on the train. Because the scales have finally fallen from my eyes. The boy has clay feet.
Clarke x
Monday 25 February 2008
Can you be friends once you’ve been to bed? (Part I)
I say yes...
Lois abandoned me last week-end as she jet-setted off to a lovely skiing break. So there I was, on my lonesome, with Friday off and the need to do something crazy on Thursday night. An idle mind is indeed the devil's workshop.
I decided to see my favourite boy GPBK on Thurs night as I needed to check out this place to hold my birthday party. There has always been chemistry between GPBK and me, and one hot sunny evening last June, we decided to do something about it.
Since then, our friendship has grown stronger (I no longer subscribe to the adage that you can’t be friends once you’ve been to bed)… something I once again decided to put to the test.
Armed with condoms, I met him at a bar. We watched the Tottenham game (my ex is a die-hard Arsenal supporter, what better way to obliterate him than by sleeping with the enemy), we drank lots and lots. Moved on to another bar, where we bought champagne, danced and, as if by magic, kissed.
So one light touch on the lips turned into a full-blown snog and there we were, swaying to the music, holding each other and kissing like there was no tomorrow. I would like to say that none of this was pre-planned, but unfortunately, I can’t. I knew this was what was going to happen. I planned everything to the final detail. And the plan worked. Deliciously well.
Lois abandoned me last week-end as she jet-setted off to a lovely skiing break. So there I was, on my lonesome, with Friday off and the need to do something crazy on Thursday night. An idle mind is indeed the devil's workshop.
I decided to see my favourite boy GPBK on Thurs night as I needed to check out this place to hold my birthday party. There has always been chemistry between GPBK and me, and one hot sunny evening last June, we decided to do something about it.
Since then, our friendship has grown stronger (I no longer subscribe to the adage that you can’t be friends once you’ve been to bed)… something I once again decided to put to the test.
Armed with condoms, I met him at a bar. We watched the Tottenham game (my ex is a die-hard Arsenal supporter, what better way to obliterate him than by sleeping with the enemy), we drank lots and lots. Moved on to another bar, where we bought champagne, danced and, as if by magic, kissed.
So one light touch on the lips turned into a full-blown snog and there we were, swaying to the music, holding each other and kissing like there was no tomorrow. I would like to say that none of this was pre-planned, but unfortunately, I can’t. I knew this was what was going to happen. I planned everything to the final detail. And the plan worked. Deliciously well.
I have to say the act itself wasn’t as memorable as I was hoping it would be. But, it hasn’t made me feel any worse about myself. It hasn’t made me feel better though. I’m still the same. Except that maybe I feel a bit more powerful.
Seeing ex tonight. Should be interesting. I have parcel in bag. I fear this will be the last time we see each other.
Clarke x
Thursday 21 February 2008
Dairy products
I had a strange dream about him last night... we were at a party, his ex was there as were some of his friends and we were all sat around a table having dinner.
He was at the head of the table and I was at the foot... then his ex went over to him and slipped him this note at the same time as one of his friends slipped me another note.
My note read "you are both sitting here being miserable, why don't you just talk and sort it out. We can't bear to see you like this..." and I knew his note read the same thing.
We both looked up at each other at the same time and he got up, walked towards me as I did the same and we both hugged and he cried and then we were on the floor and he was on top of me really crying as I stroked his head...
I woke up crying. Really strange. Not sure what it means, if anything. possibly had too much ice-cream last night. Bloody dairy products.
Thing is I can sit here and analyse 'til the cows come home and I will be no closer to the truth.
Lois and I were meant to go to a gig last night but we only made it as far as the pub round the corner, where we had some wine and chatted. It was nice and relaxing and the food was lovely. I went home feeling happy, chilled out and hopeful.
It's pretty cool hanging out with her. We went through a bit of a rough patch a few months back and there was a real fear that our friendship may have petered out. It's a testament to the power of love (the true, deep, enriching sort that friends have) that we're here today.
Clarke x
He was at the head of the table and I was at the foot... then his ex went over to him and slipped him this note at the same time as one of his friends slipped me another note.
My note read "you are both sitting here being miserable, why don't you just talk and sort it out. We can't bear to see you like this..." and I knew his note read the same thing.
We both looked up at each other at the same time and he got up, walked towards me as I did the same and we both hugged and he cried and then we were on the floor and he was on top of me really crying as I stroked his head...
I woke up crying. Really strange. Not sure what it means, if anything. possibly had too much ice-cream last night. Bloody dairy products.
Thing is I can sit here and analyse 'til the cows come home and I will be no closer to the truth.
Lois and I were meant to go to a gig last night but we only made it as far as the pub round the corner, where we had some wine and chatted. It was nice and relaxing and the food was lovely. I went home feeling happy, chilled out and hopeful.
It's pretty cool hanging out with her. We went through a bit of a rough patch a few months back and there was a real fear that our friendship may have petered out. It's a testament to the power of love (the true, deep, enriching sort that friends have) that we're here today.
Clarke x
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