Weekends

Our intrepid duo were at a loose end last weekend. Which is how they found themselves in the middle of the M25, looking for the M1 and the A414.

Clarke: Wrong turn! Wrong turn! We should have stayed on this road.
Lois: It's okay. We'll get there.
Clarke: I think I am going to have a panic attack
Lois: Shut up.

Eventually they found the place (thanks for NOTHING Google maps). Checked in. Checked out pretty sharpish after eagle-eyed Lois spotted a stained toilet seat (DO NOT ASK). Got themselves another room. Sat looking at the walls for a good ten minutes.

Lois: So what shall we do now, shall we explore the grounds?
Clarke: Argh. Must we?
Lois: Yes, lets.

So the plucky pair investigate. A few minutes of ungainly teetering in the freezing cold ensues.. Just enough time for Clarke to light up and for Lois to harangue her about the dangers of nicotine.

Lois: Let's have a drink.
Clarke: Oooh, lets.
Lois: Champagne?
Clarke: No. I don't want champagne.

30 minutes later.

Clarke: Shall we get another bottle of champagne?

Slightly tiddly on champagne they proceed to dress for dinner. Lois tries on a million different tops. Clarke watches Hollyoaks. She agonises over whether OB should have gone to London instead of staying with Max in Chester. Decides this really isn't something that should bother her.

Dinner is accompanied by two more bottles of the fizzy stuff. Tears are shed over losers. Food is consumed with great relish. A small tantrum ensues when Clarke finds her steak is well-done instead of rare as requested. She tucks into Lois's red pepper risotto (not a mushroom in sight).

They saunter over to the bar, still in thrall to the wonders of champagne. Lois gets chatted up by two dishy young men. Clarke is stuck talking to the chef who invites himself to her bed to make up for the steak fiasco. As if she would sleep with someone who can't differentiate between rare and well-done. Fool.

It turns out that the dishy men are at a murder mystery birthday party. The outlandish outfits now make sense. Lois and Clarke gatecrash the party. Are stared down by the female pack of the party but as they are now well-oiled, they are oblivious.

Dishy men talk. Clarke is bored and can tell Lois is bored. The spell is broken when Dish 2 (who by now has decided to woo Clarke with tales of his drugged out travels in Australia) attempts to invite himself to her bed. As if she would sleep with someone who wears safari suit. Fool.

The lovely ladies make their escape clattering down the corridors at 3am. Get into their pjs. Lois takes pictures of Clarke doing star-jumps on the bed. Catches the pivotal moment on camera just before Clarke's head hits the ceiling with a resounding thud. Clarke falls over in pain. Lois falls over laughing. She is in hysterics. Tears are streaming down her face. Clarke wonders why she has yet to get any sympathy. Is stunned at the violence of Lois's reaction. Contemplates slapping her. Decides against it.

Clarke falls asleep to the sound of Lois's muffled giggles.

Clarke x